I grew up in the back of shoddy thrift stores where my parents would sell counterfeit goods, in the slums or homeless. My parents sold drugs, my mom's another statistic in the opiate epidemic. My dad's mentally ill, he's ran away from my family 10+ times to cheat on my mother but comes back when bored, he also suffers extreme panic attacks. I've been a NEET for 7 years on SSI, I dropped out of highschool at 15 and hid away in my room playing Tera and watching anime, I've escaped from reality as much as possible. I dropped 12,000 hours into Tera, watched 850 anime but eventually the escapism just wasn't enough and I started staring at my LCD screen as empty and depressed as possible.
I heard that LSD would cure this, would make my life better, would fix me right on up. I took 1650ug of LSD and had a very powerful experience and managed to fool myself for a brief while that my depression was 'cured' but it wasn't. I've become a junkie seeking thrilling highs, I've tried several dozen drugs (most of the 2C-X, 25-X and all of the hard drugs) and trying to embrace the novelty effect. I've effectively lowered my IQ and have a general low grade anxiety that's constantly present which prevents me from enjoying drugs properly (as I think I'll die on them) but I still continue to abuse them because being sober is far far worse.
I'm poor at relationships but I still try to get women on the internet to love me. I've tried so, so many times in the last few years. All of the women have been from r9k, I can't talk to normal women. These women have BPD, schizophrenia and other disorders or are obese but I still try. The thing is whenever I get close to a woman I get an overwhelming feeling to destroy the relationship into tiny little pieces which leads to a sort of cycle of me trying very hard to get with a relationship, a honey moon phase and then me breaking someone's heart selfishly. I go back and look at their social media at 3am, they're happy. They've all found someone but this time IRL, one's married with a doctor and is expecting a kid even. That one said she'd always love me and nothing would change but in the end she told me she hated me and called me pathetic.
In the end, nothing satisfies me. Masturbation, exercising, food, drugs, relationships... it's all meaningless escapism that I use to stave off the inevitable of me blowing my brains out. Sorry for any poor chap that actually bothered reading this post, a long trivial and pointless rant.